He was telling me how he'd fend off the bad guys.
Somehow, I don't think this would work...
(Um, yes.
He really DID just do that.
On camera.
For reals.)
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Husband's Beard
We have a bit of trauma at our house right now.
You see, after 15 years of a nicely groomed goatee/mustache thing, Husband has decided to shave his beard once and for all.
I don't mind it one bit. It allows me to see more of his handsome mug. He's kind of a really handsome sort of guy anyway. The kids, on the other hand, not so much a fan of the idea.
Discussion tonight during dinner:
Child #3 (who happens to be a very, very BIG daddy's boy): Dad, I think you should grow your beard back.
Husband: I don't want to grow it back.
Child #3: So? Grow it back anyway.
Husband: Why should I grow it back?
Child #3: Because then it can get really long and hairy and when you talk it can sound like "bom bom, bom bom bom" and all the hair can form a giant, fluffy ball around your mouth and we can all laugh really hard.
Husband: Um. No.
You see, after 15 years of a nicely groomed goatee/mustache thing, Husband has decided to shave his beard once and for all.
I don't mind it one bit. It allows me to see more of his handsome mug. He's kind of a really handsome sort of guy anyway. The kids, on the other hand, not so much a fan of the idea.
Discussion tonight during dinner:
Child #3 (who happens to be a very, very BIG daddy's boy): Dad, I think you should grow your beard back.
Husband: I don't want to grow it back.
Child #3: So? Grow it back anyway.
Husband: Why should I grow it back?
Child #3: Because then it can get really long and hairy and when you talk it can sound like "bom bom, bom bom bom" and all the hair can form a giant, fluffy ball around your mouth and we can all laugh really hard.
Husband: Um. No.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
British Squirrels
WARNING: The following post is actually a flashback into last summer...but it's so funny, we still laugh about it frequently.
Child #1 is a sleepwalker. Not so much anymore, but last summer was quite humorous.
He was notorious for going to bed at 10:30, falling NEARLY to sleep, then in a dazed stupor, come into our bedroom panicking about the fact that he couldn't sleep and the world must be coming to an end (or something like that).
On this certain night, or rather, these certain nights, he had this problem.
Child #1: I can't...I can't....I can't sleep and I can't stand it. I've just had it. I've been down there forever and I just can't...my life isn't...I just can't handle this anymore! (He had actually been in bed for approximately 20 minutes.)
Me: What's wrong this time, son?
Child #1: You've gotta check things out. There's something bad downstairs. It's a big problem. You've gotta come and see.
Me: (waking up the hubs) Your turn, honey.
They go down together. Thirty seconds later, hubs comes up laughing his guts out.
Me: What in the world?...
Husband: He's convinced there's a squirrel living in his walls.
Me: [snort]
NEXT NIGHT
Child #1: I can't...I can't....I can't sleep and I can't stand it. I've just had it. I've been down there forever and I just can't...my life isn't...I just can't handle this anymore! (He had actually been in bed for approximately 20 minutes.)
Me: What's wrong this time, son?
Child #1: You've gotta check things out. There's something bad downstairs. It's a big problem. You've gotta come and see. This time it's really scary.
Me: Just tell me about it.
Child #1: There's something down there talking...I don't even want to tell you, it's SOOO bad!
Me: What, dear.
Child #1: It's talking....British. It has a British accent.
Me: (trying hard not to laugh, but failing miserably) Something's speaking with a British accent?
Child #1: YES! I don't know what it is. It's a deep voice. Pretty sure it's a man.
Me or Husband (I don't quite remember): Where is it coming from?
Child #1: Outside my window. Or maybe even from inside the walls. It's really close.
Husband: Oh, it's probably just that squirrel.They're quite common around here.
Me: [snort]
Child #1: Be serious. British squirrels don't live around here. They're from France!
Me: [snort again topped with crazy, hysterical laughter]
Husband: Let's go downstairs and tell your little squirrel friend to be quiet.
Child #1: 'kay.
Me: G'night son.
Child #1 is a sleepwalker. Not so much anymore, but last summer was quite humorous.
He was notorious for going to bed at 10:30, falling NEARLY to sleep, then in a dazed stupor, come into our bedroom panicking about the fact that he couldn't sleep and the world must be coming to an end (or something like that).
On this certain night, or rather, these certain nights, he had this problem.
Child #1: I can't...I can't....I can't sleep and I can't stand it. I've just had it. I've been down there forever and I just can't...my life isn't...I just can't handle this anymore! (He had actually been in bed for approximately 20 minutes.)
Me: What's wrong this time, son?
Child #1: You've gotta check things out. There's something bad downstairs. It's a big problem. You've gotta come and see.
Me: (waking up the hubs) Your turn, honey.
They go down together. Thirty seconds later, hubs comes up laughing his guts out.
Me: What in the world?...
Husband: He's convinced there's a squirrel living in his walls.
Me: [snort]
NEXT NIGHT
Child #1: I can't...I can't....I can't sleep and I can't stand it. I've just had it. I've been down there forever and I just can't...my life isn't...I just can't handle this anymore! (He had actually been in bed for approximately 20 minutes.)
Me: What's wrong this time, son?
Child #1: You've gotta check things out. There's something bad downstairs. It's a big problem. You've gotta come and see. This time it's really scary.
Me: Just tell me about it.
Child #1: There's something down there talking...I don't even want to tell you, it's SOOO bad!
Me: What, dear.
Child #1: It's talking....British. It has a British accent.
Me: (trying hard not to laugh, but failing miserably) Something's speaking with a British accent?
Child #1: YES! I don't know what it is. It's a deep voice. Pretty sure it's a man.
Me or Husband (I don't quite remember): Where is it coming from?
Child #1: Outside my window. Or maybe even from inside the walls. It's really close.
Husband: Oh, it's probably just that squirrel.They're quite common around here.
Me: [snort]
Child #1: Be serious. British squirrels don't live around here. They're from France!
Me: [snort again topped with crazy, hysterical laughter]
Husband: Let's go downstairs and tell your little squirrel friend to be quiet.
Child #1: 'kay.
Me: G'night son.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A Typical Sunday Dinner
I wanted to let you in on some excerpts to one of our "nicer" Sunday dinner conversations...Hope you enjoy it (because I generally end up with my head on the table and my arms over my head).
Child #3: For my birthday, I want to have a British Party...then I can invite everyone to my "birthday potty".
Child #1: The British are the ones from France.
Me: Um...England, maybe.
Husband: Son, we don't wear socks on our hands at the dinner table.
Child #3: Chicken....Baahhhh-Haaaaahhhh!
Child #1: We talked about choosing good music at church today. Our teacher said there are appropriate times for certain music, like, it would be awkward if you changed the radio station in the middle of the basketball game and all of the sudden the song went from chanting "We Will, We Will" to [click] "Love One Another".
Me: Why don't I keep a notebook and pencil with me at all times...
Child #2: Mom, in the Son of Neptune there was a sign that said "Moose Pass"
Me: Oh.
Child #2: And then there was a sign that said "Moose Pass Gas"
Me: [Roll eyes]
Husband: Other son, get your socks OFF your hands, too!!!
Child #2: You have giGANtic buck teeth! Mwahahaha...
Child #1: No I don't!
Child #2: It looks like you do when you look through your glass like a telescope.
Me: So what was your favorite part of the day today?
Child #3: What's for dessert?
Child #1: [singing hard rock] "I feel like, I feel like..."
Child #2: [singing to aggravate his brother] "...a Child of God"
Me: [exasperated] WHY are all our dinners like this!?!
Husband: So you have something to blog about...
Child #3: For my birthday, I want to have a British Party...then I can invite everyone to my "birthday potty".
Child #1: The British are the ones from France.
Me: Um...England, maybe.
Husband: Son, we don't wear socks on our hands at the dinner table.
Child #3: Chicken....Baahhhh-Haaaaahhhh!
Child #1: We talked about choosing good music at church today. Our teacher said there are appropriate times for certain music, like, it would be awkward if you changed the radio station in the middle of the basketball game and all of the sudden the song went from chanting "We Will, We Will" to [click] "Love One Another".
Me: Why don't I keep a notebook and pencil with me at all times...
Child #2: Mom, in the Son of Neptune there was a sign that said "Moose Pass"
Me: Oh.
Child #2: And then there was a sign that said "Moose Pass Gas"
Me: [Roll eyes]
Husband: Other son, get your socks OFF your hands, too!!!
Child #2: You have giGANtic buck teeth! Mwahahaha...
Child #1: No I don't!
Child #2: It looks like you do when you look through your glass like a telescope.
Me: So what was your favorite part of the day today?
Child #3: What's for dessert?
Child #1: [singing hard rock] "I feel like, I feel like..."
Child #2: [singing to aggravate his brother] "...a Child of God"
Me: [exasperated] WHY are all our dinners like this!?!
Husband: So you have something to blog about...
Yankees
Watching "Gone With The Wind" (hate it, by the way...)
Child #3: Why are they wanting to fight for the Yankees?
Me: Because they are trying to fight for what they believe.
Child #3: So why the Yankees?
Me: They had to choose a side.
Child #3: But WHY the Yankees? Don't they know that they're a crummy team? They should've voted for the Cubs or a better baseball team.
[sigh]
Child #3: Why are they wanting to fight for the Yankees?
Me: Because they are trying to fight for what they believe.
Child #3: So why the Yankees?
Me: They had to choose a side.
Child #3: But WHY the Yankees? Don't they know that they're a crummy team? They should've voted for the Cubs or a better baseball team.
[sigh]
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Ogres
Child #3: Mom. I'm scared.
Me: Oh? What are you afraid of?
Child #3: The movie.
Me: Why?
Child #3: It has a great, big ogre and you KNOW I'm afraid of ogres.
Me: They're pretend, dear.
Child #3: Yeah, but this one has been asleep for 10 years...
Me: Oh?
Child #3: ...and has been holding in all his gas!...
Me: [flat toned and somewhat afraid of what's coming next] Oh.
Child #3: ...and when he wakes up, he's gonna let it ALL out!
[sigh]
Me: Oh? What are you afraid of?
Child #3: The movie.
Me: Why?
Child #3: It has a great, big ogre and you KNOW I'm afraid of ogres.
Me: They're pretend, dear.
Child #3: Yeah, but this one has been asleep for 10 years...
Me: Oh?
Child #3: ...and has been holding in all his gas!...
Me: [flat toned and somewhat afraid of what's coming next] Oh.
Child #3: ...and when he wakes up, he's gonna let it ALL out!
[sigh]
Crazy Horse
Living in a small town sure has it's advantages...and it's quirkiness.
Such as:
No kidding.
Disclaimer: Around here, it's not quite as common to see a loose horse as it is to watch as a herd of cows create massive rush-hour traffic down main street. That's really fun. We call it our semi-annual "parade".
But, seriously.
Someone's crazy horse got lose today and decided to take me on. It came barreling out of the field and then halted just steps in front of my truck. The poor horse looked as beat up as my truck. (It's obviously seen better days.) His crazy-wild eyes and nappily braided tail beckoned a challenge between itself and my 20-year-old barely-running, rusted Ford F150.
Either that or it wanted to eat me up. Horses are hard to read that way...
My initial thought was "Aha! Go ahead. Plow into me! Take on this old truck! I hate this old beater anyway, with it's door you can only open from the outside and the radio that comes on when you don't want it to and the bottom ribcage (or whatever that is) that is falling to pieces.. ." I thought many other bad things about my truck...but then came back to the realization that the horse was still staring at me and that felt awkward.
So, I looked up, ready to meet it's challenge...but then it ran away. Just as fast as it came.
Whoa.
It was probably ok. I wasn't really in the mood to have the horse attack me anyway nor did I actually have my seat belt on at the moment (which would've been bad had it tried to tip over "old-beater" or something).
BUT, it makes a good story AND it really, really happened.
No kidding.
P.S. Should I be mortally offended that the horse stared at my mug for a such a long time and then high-tailed it and ran away as fast as it could? I mean, I know I hadn't showered or brushed my hair or even changed out of my pajamas or anything, but....just sayin'...
Such as:
- Advantage: everyone knows each other by name, face and the car they drive
- Quirk: you could be driving down the road when suddenly a CRAZY HORSE comes galloping out unannounced right in front of you
No kidding.
Disclaimer: Around here, it's not quite as common to see a loose horse as it is to watch as a herd of cows create massive rush-hour traffic down main street. That's really fun. We call it our semi-annual "parade".
But, seriously.
Someone's crazy horse got lose today and decided to take me on. It came barreling out of the field and then halted just steps in front of my truck. The poor horse looked as beat up as my truck. (It's obviously seen better days.) His crazy-wild eyes and nappily braided tail beckoned a challenge between itself and my 20-year-old barely-running, rusted Ford F150.
Either that or it wanted to eat me up. Horses are hard to read that way...
My initial thought was "Aha! Go ahead. Plow into me! Take on this old truck! I hate this old beater anyway, with it's door you can only open from the outside and the radio that comes on when you don't want it to and the bottom ribcage (or whatever that is) that is falling to pieces.. ." I thought many other bad things about my truck...but then came back to the realization that the horse was still staring at me and that felt awkward.
So, I looked up, ready to meet it's challenge...but then it ran away. Just as fast as it came.
Whoa.
It was probably ok. I wasn't really in the mood to have the horse attack me anyway nor did I actually have my seat belt on at the moment (which would've been bad had it tried to tip over "old-beater" or something).
BUT, it makes a good story AND it really, really happened.
No kidding.
P.S. Should I be mortally offended that the horse stared at my mug for a such a long time and then high-tailed it and ran away as fast as it could? I mean, I know I hadn't showered or brushed my hair or even changed out of my pajamas or anything, but....just sayin'...
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Sunday Funny
"Mom, sacrament meeting would be so much cooler if they'd just serve stuff like hamburgers or hot dogs or pizza once in a while."
-Son of a friend sitting in back of me
-Son of a friend sitting in back of me
Win, Lose AND Draw
Q- If you could draw yourself as anything, what would it be?
Child #3: Roadkill.
All: [You know that stare you do with the mouth gaped wide open with no words coming out? That's what we were doing.]
Child #2: A mortally wounded knight.
All: [See previous action.]
Child #1: A rockstar with a guitar.
All: [Relief that at least ONE of our children thinks normally.]
Husband: A dragon.
All: [Understanding now where Children #3 and #2 come get it from.]
Me: Pretty much just me with some nicely toned, defined muscles.
Child #3: You want muscles?
Me: Yup. Just some nice, gentle muscles like a lady should have.
Child #2: Oh. So you wanna look like Hulk? 'Cause that's exactly what YOU'D look like...
[Sigh]
Child #3: Roadkill.
All: [You know that stare you do with the mouth gaped wide open with no words coming out? That's what we were doing.]
Child #2: A mortally wounded knight.
All: [See previous action.]
Child #1: A rockstar with a guitar.
All: [Relief that at least ONE of our children thinks normally.]
Husband: A dragon.
All: [Understanding now where Children #3 and #2 come get it from.]
Me: Pretty much just me with some nicely toned, defined muscles.
Child #3: You want muscles?
Me: Yup. Just some nice, gentle muscles like a lady should have.
Child #2: Oh. So you wanna look like Hulk? 'Cause that's exactly what YOU'D look like...
[Sigh]
Brotherly Advice
"Brother: This is a fact. When you get to 5th grade, all the girls think about is the cha-cha slide. And when you're practicing the macarena for the parents, watch out! You're always shaking your bum."
-Child #2
-Child #2
The Field Trip
Child #3, who is just 2 weeks and 1 day from turning 9, has a very big day today: it's the 3rd grade field trip to not one but TWO exciting places: the UVU Theater, where he'll watch part of a very nice play, AND the Living Aquarium, where he'd get to, ya know, watch fish swim around in unusually enclosed yet oddly see-through spaces.
As he was heading out the door this morning, I did my motherly duty to hand him his sack lunch (complete with jell-o and a double-decker-fluffer-nutter sandwich, might I proudly add) and then reminded him to be on his best behavior and use his very best manners.
I thought for a very, VERY brief second before I enthusiastically corrected myself. "No. Be on unusually GREAT behavior and use even BETTER than your best manners."
Yup. I know him.
He looked up at me, grinned his goofy grin and before running to get on his bike, slyly said, "Do I have to say excuse me if I burp at a fish!?!?"
[Sigh]
As he was heading out the door this morning, I did my motherly duty to hand him his sack lunch (complete with jell-o and a double-decker-fluffer-nutter sandwich, might I proudly add) and then reminded him to be on his best behavior and use his very best manners.
I thought for a very, VERY brief second before I enthusiastically corrected myself. "No. Be on unusually GREAT behavior and use even BETTER than your best manners."
Yup. I know him.
He looked up at me, grinned his goofy grin and before running to get on his bike, slyly said, "Do I have to say excuse me if I burp at a fish!?!?"
[Sigh]
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